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Making its inauspicious return

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Making its inauspicious return after an almost month-long summer break, The Unbelievable Truth is back once again to beguile you with tales of the down and dirty, the almost sleazy but not quite, and the kind of gossipy, scandal-mongering information that you could certainly live without, but would you want to? Welcome back constant reader, because here we go:

BRITNEY’S BITS!

BRITNEYS-BITS

We won’t keep you in suspense one moment longer. To kick off the glorious return of The Unbelievable Truth, VanRamblings is proud (well, maybe not proud) to present you with Britney’s bits, a risqué summary of the shenanigans to which every pre-teen girl (and dirty old men in raincoats) once turned their thoughtful attention.

And just what has Britney been up to this summer? According to the New York Post Britney’s going retro with her Greatest Hits album, recording a remake of Bobby Brown’s 80s hit My Prerogative. According to Access Hollywood, in the video for the song, Britney will ‘marry’ a Kevin Federline look-alike. US Weekly reports the two are in talks to become MTV’s new Newlyweds. Says Britney, “I want Kevin to be just as famous as I am.”

JOHN ASHCROFT’S BITS!

JOHN-ASHCROFT

John Ashcroft is the Attorney General of the United States. Born in Chicago, Illinois, where his family had moved in order to be nearer to the headquarters of the Assemblies of God church (where he is still active), John Ashcroft was educated in Springfield, Missouri, and at Yale University, where he graduated in 1964.

From 1985 to 1993, he was the pro-death penalty, anti-abortion, anti gay rights, and opponent to gun control Governor of Missouri. In 1994 he was elected to the U.S. Senate from Missouri, where he became a leading opponent of the Clinton Administration. He ran for re-election in 2000 against then-Governor Mel Carnahan, who died in an airplane crash about two weeks before the election. Due to Missouri state election laws, Carnahan’ s name could not be removed from the ballot, and his wife, Jean Carnahan, announced that she would serve in her husband’ s place should he be elected. Carnahan won the election. Poor John Ashcroft left Missouri with his tail between his legs, only to emerge as a key member of the Bush administration.

In tribute to the fine work undertaken by Mr. Ashcroft to limit the liberty of the people of the U.S., VanRamblings presents you with insight into the inner workings of John Ashcroft’s mind. Just what goes on inside the head of John Ashcroft, what makes him tick? To discover the measure of the man, VanRamblings would direct you to click on the picture above.

GRAY LADY POP CRITIC GHOSTWRITES PORN STAR CHRONICLES

JENNA-JAMESON

Media gossip emanating from the New York Times headquarters on 43rd Street is always bound to set tongues wagging, but the only news this year to set other body parts wagging (fingers, we mean!) was the news that pop music critic Neil Strauss was leaving to ghostwrite adult-film star Jenna Jameson’s memoir, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star (which, according to Publisher’s Weekly is due to become ‘a low-brow classic’). Strauss maintains that it was his decision to leave, but fellow journos had a hard time believing that The Times would tolerate such deviant extracurricular activity from its staffers.

AND OTHER STUFF

NICE-TITS

For all you budding ornithologists out there, VanRamblings is pleased to aid the cause by directing you to Nice-Tits.org, offering a compendium of T-shirts, coffee-mugs, knick-knacks and other collectibles, presented by the Royal Tit-Watching (Ornithological) Society of Britain. And here we thought the British were so staid. Guess not. How wrong VanRamblings seems to be.

COLBY-COSH

VanRamblings would direct your attention to this very important message from Pleasure Boat Captains For Truth. The truth has been revealed.

COMPUTER-MONITOR

Don’t know what to do with the useless, old broken down Pentium II or III computer that’s gathering dust in the basement or the garage? The folks (or should be say psychos) at WeBlowITup.com have an idea.

Posted by Raymond Tomlin at September 4, 2004 7:52 PM in Unbelievable Truth

   

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